still so very sleepy. ive been actually remembering my dreams recently which is very abnormal for me? theyre not Bad its just unusual. bruised my tailbone somehow?
been considering making. i dont have a word but like windchimes/charm bracelet vibes of the various random things i find whilst out and about (screws, random legos, cool rocks, etc) and hanging them in my room. because i like them!
for a while ive been wearing two anklets, one for each of my former dogs (theyre the kind that have the little picture on them) and i want to figure out a way to attach that to an actual charm bracelet that ill use as an anklet and have more things on :) that sounds fun to me. but i dont think i have any chains for that right now? which is sad :( ill root around and see if i can find something. id also need to find a way to attach the pictures to it which sounds complicated. shrugs!
frustrated at the gym but thats for dms and not for broadcasting to the internet so i shall say nothing.
been wanting to start reading again. i miss reading. like actual physical books not audiobooks. genuinely considering going to the library and just checking out a random book to read tomorrow .but tomorrow is a sunday. so. alas. cant do that!!
moms been sick for a few days (headache sore throat tired coughing etc) and she hasnt made any attempt to quarentine and neither have i so it is entirely to be expected that i am also getting sick but that doesnt mean i have to like it
i have. mixed feelings about quarentining at home. because on one hand, by the time you start showing symptoms for pretty much anything, youve already been spreading it for a while, right? but im also like. idk. if theres a chance you could stop the spread, you take it, right? when i had covid i did as much quarentining as i could in my house (staying pretty much entirely in my room, when i left my room i wore a mask, stayed out of my room the least amount possible, etc) but when my parents got it they stayed living as normal like still going out into the house not masking etc. which yeah i get it, id already had it so i was probably more immunized, but i still feel a bit of effort to stop a spread wouldve been nice?
anyway. my head hurts a decent amount, my throats scratchy, im tired, i havent been coughing or anything yet but i am a bit congested. i slept for almost 12 hours last night, and took a two hour nap today, and am still tired, so ill probably try to sleep a good amount tonight too.
thats it for today. sleepytired etc
@azzy
post 3
im in a pretty bad mindset recently and its making normal situations seem way worse. ill up my meds tomorrow :/ thanks pmdd
yesterday i had ballet, which has been with two people i already knew prior. a few times someone new was teaching, or someone joined as a guest, but it been those two people the entire time. but yesterday there were two new people and neither of the people i knew? unsure why? i really struggle with doing ballet as a concept because of how much of a feminine image the whole sport has and i as a person look very woman-y and being around new people who im not going to introduce myself to as a guy and having to do the whole performance of being a woman without expecting it was really hard. I also ended up getting to class a few minutes late and wasnt sure if they were in my class or if they were a prior class finishing up so i had to sit down and panic for several minutes before the teacher came and got me. i was really quiet all class and definitely didnt act like my normal self. i think it was a combo of pmdd and new person anxiety and dysphoria? i think ill email the teacher tomorrow and apologize tbh
and then today i skipped my first class which is a definite sign of pmdd bad phase but ive given up caring about that kind of thing (as in i take it as a 'hey this is pmdd time now, youll take more meds tomorrow and not deal with this, dont feel bad' type thing instead of spiraling about it like i used to do) and my second class was algebra and the person i usually sit next to wasnt there :( i hope shes ok, shes usually really good with attendance. we had an individual quiz and MAN i struggled. i think i brute forced some of the answers (it was graphing stuff and i did the graph and worked backwards to find the other answers instead of finding them how were 'supposed' to find them and then graphing with that information) but im pretty sure i got a decent amount of it right.
schools hard. i really dont like it. i love learning i love being in class and i dont get test anxiety i just hate studying outside of class because im exhausted and in class i feel like i understand most things really well but as soon as i leave its gone. cest la vie
a few weeks ago my econ professor told the class he was proud of us for showing up because he knows thats a hard thing to do that people dont talk about and i almost started crying. and by almost i mean i cried after class and not in class
im just tired
finals are coming up, i think im going to go through the whole backlog of missing math homeworks i have and thatll be my studying for math. for econnnnnnn i have a ton of notes, id love to go to the econ study sessions in the library but they happen while im in a different class :(, for ethics im just going to go over the slides a few times probably, and for my gender studies class im gonna do nothing because its not overly hard
parents want me to start figuring out what classes im going to take next semester. ugh
@azzy
post 2
been thinking a lot about religion recently. i wasnt raised religious, (did go to a christian school tho which sucked) but i think a combo of feeling like i missed out (on...trauma?), general curiosity, and feeling Extreme Distress about the entire state of the world has made religion so tempting. these past few years. i think it probably boils down to wanting to have something in life that is bigger than myself/i can depend on? just Believing something sounds so nice i feel like right now im very nebulous i just kinda go through life, having strong habits would be really nice and helpful but the thought of Making said habits sounds so exhausting.
ive been drawn towards wicca/paganism/etc for probably as long as i can remember? but converting to religion is like a conscious choice that takes effort and introspection and i am so very tired. a lot of my thought process about everything constantly is about definitions and lines between concepts, so just the whole Umbrella of religion is so intreaguing to me. i dont Get it.
anyway ive been going outside a lot more and actively searching for creatures and plants and semi-meditating (aka. looking at bugs really intently and zoning out) which has been nice. found a goldenrod crab spider like from travis mcenery of youtube fame a few weeks ago. highlight of my year tbh. i love spiders.
re:extreme distress about the entire state of the world--obviously theres the whole .Everything. but in terms of Personal experience its been shitty too. im just exhausted. constantly. for a while i was really good at sleeping consistantly and a lot but i was so tired anyway that ive given up. i nap nearly every day i have a dedicated pillow and blanket in my car for when i need to just Crash. i take meds for it and i think theyve been helping somewhat but man i think i should be able to go through life without only thinking about the next time ill be able to sleep. ive had cpap which did jack shit (tho i only used it for a monthish...i should try it again see if it does something) i just. i feel like no doctors listen and theres only so many times the people higher than you disregard your worries that you believe the worries exist in the first place.
i also have pmdd which has also been lessened but my doc keeps not allowing refills? girl i will literally ruin my life during the bad weeks without meds dont do this to me. its been so much better, i pretty much have the whole month to exist, but i just feel .so tired of not trusting who i am as a person and my reactions to things just because of some fuckass organ. anyway.
im tired now
gnight
@azzy
post 1
decided to mess around with a new template for a blog style page, ive been wanting to actually make a blog for a while and im liking this style so far. it's neat. i want to change the colors around and perhaps add some stamps and blinkies but its a good base methinks.
im mostly planning on using this to document symptoms/ideas/just general rambling, no specifics. this first one is going to have various things so i can keep formatting code lmao.